| Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 |
| 12:58 am |
last entry for a while
this will be the last post that I make. I may be back on here. I might not be. I am broke. I have about 1800 USD left. I have no job. I have no prospects for a job. The last year with my leg and everything else that I have lost have put me around 38000 USD in debt. I was around 29K in debt at the beginning of 2008. I have lost everything I know and love. My high blood pressure has returned and I cannot afford to go to a doctor and I made too much money last year to go to a 'clinic'. I do not know why it has come back but it is just a matter of time now before I have a heart attack. It is that bad. (210 over 110) I do not make enough on unemployment to survive socially anyway and my benefits will run out at the end of August and there is no guarantee that they will be extended. If you owe me money and can afford to pay me back please do so as soon as you can. If not, your circumstances are probably worse than mine or you never had the intention on paying me back so your own mind can deal with it in the way that you do best for you. If you think that I have anything of yours, please let me know so I can give it back to you if I still have it. It may be gone in the flood, if so I will do my best to replace it. I was never meant to have the life that I envisioned when I was younger. It is too late to worry about where I went wrong, though I torture myself when I could have made my life easier but didn't do it. Some may call me foolhardy or stupid depending on your side of the fence that you care to see it. I am sure most everyone else gets sick of reading my pathetic problems so I won't bother any of you over it anymore. If my life has a 180 turn around within the next 30 days I may/may not mention it here. If either case, each day I have left is a gift/curse for whatever it is that I have done that is so wrong both in this life and in my past lives. I hope in my next life that whatever I did wrong is finally forgiven. I don't want to do 'this' again. I suppose it makes sense now for losing everything in the flood to prepare myself for this day. You can't take it with you. No I am not going to kill myself. I am too smart to do that because I am very aware on what it will do to me and those I leave behind. I want the suffering to end for myself and I do not want anyone to suffer anymore than what each of us can handle. I thought by now I would be married with a child or two, I would have a place to live that would be safe for everyone and that I may have made a few good things happen in the world. At least I got to do the last thing for a few of my good friends and I can say that at least I got to go to my favorite country that I wish I could die in if it was possible. Take care of each other and do not cry for me. I will truly be better off on the day it happens. Current Mood:  crushed |
| Sunday, June 7th, 2009 |
| 9:11 pm |
randomness
Had a fairly good birthday weekend. Won a bit of money at Lumiere Place, went to DieCon later that night..saw MMA matches on Saturday and lounged on Sunday. My leg is 80 percent healed. It will still take time for the tendon on the back of my heel to be fully able to do somethings. I still can't jump (not like I could before but now it hurts to try) and going up and down ladders is just a hospital visit waiting to happen. Running is ok so hopefully I will be back to normal by the fall in that regards because I still need to lose weight and Gaelic Football will be good for that... I am rebuilding my library. Pathways gave me a printout of everything that I have ever purchased there so at least I know what I lost..most of the stuff I had I purchased there. Still single by choice. No one wants an out of work, overweight, aging, no-kid of his own man of 44. My chances decrease every day that I get older. The odds are against me so I am no longer playing 'the game'. I am getting used to it and to be honest and odd, I enjoy my own company. I think I am more or less detoxed off of the drugs I used to be on. I don't feel like I am drunk all the time and my BP has come back up (it was too low). It is a bit higher than I would like for it to be but it may just be the nerves/stress of not having a job. I have caught up on reading...I am getting pretty good at PS3 games...I spend a lot of time sleeping and thinking about how nice it would be to be somewhere outside of the US on a more regular/permanent basis. I am very thankful to all those who helped 'fix' me over the winter. It sucked but you all made the journey less painful in so many ways words just fail me at the moment.. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to build on..more than I realized. Did I mention that I hate drugs? If doing things like heroin and other crap is anything like coming down off of BP meds that are not needed...no thanks...ever.. more later RR5 |
| Sunday, March 29th, 2009 |
| 2:42 am |
spring update
This is old news but just in case you missed it... November 17..laid off November 19..broke leg December 1..leg repaired and told that I was over medicated/overdosed on Potassium. Your humble narrator had almost 'snuffed it'. I have a new doctor and a new outlook on a lot of things. December 2-Jan 4 Stayed at a friends apartment and improved my PS3 skills Jan 5- today Healing leg/self/mental state March 28 -played Hurling, probably silly, but to be honest knowing that the job market is horrible right now..probably worse than in the 'Wonderful Reagan Years', it was one of the few goals I had set for myself this winter. I am in pain but I made it through and each week I will be that much stronger for it. Rain is still the 'Fatman's Equalizer'. I ran about as fast as everyone else in the horrible muck that was the field after 2 previous games and rain all morning. I really am looking forward to being employed again...hopefully that will happen within the next month.. Other than that I am doing well:) Really:) |
| Tuesday, January 13th, 2009 |
| 11:51 pm |
long time update
I got the surgery for my leg although not on the day listed in the last post. There were complications. Short version: I was overmedicated on my BP meds. They made an adjustment and waited a week and everything was fine. Got my leg fixed (8 screws holding it in place while it heals) and internally other than being overweight I am fine. No cholesterol drugs, no diabetes (never had it, the old doctor was wrong and the drugs that she was insistent on taking could have killed me..no wonder it made me sick every time I took it). I am still on BP meds but only 2 instead of the 8 my ex doc had me on. I am now in a walking boot but I am still out of a job. Thankfully my insurance was good until the 12th of December or quite frankly I would be bankrupt. I have seen the bills so far and we are talking 20 grand of insanity just so I can walk again. I had/have very good care though and the doctors actually took time to consult with my new GP doctor and everything is on track to have me back hopefully doing my 'normal' routine of playing Irish sports and martial arts. They say I will be a bit slower so that means no one will notice because I am not built for speed to begin with:) Also a shoutout to all who helped/transported/put up with my bitching these past two months. Also to my friend Philip and Sean and their families who let me stay with them because I was under step restriction which means staying in the southside house that I am finally back in now was off limits. I went my sis and dad down to Memphis/Tunica over Christmas week. Had fun and won enough money to pay for everything! I should finally have time to do my Rosetta Stone-Danish lessons. I record Fairly Oddparents on Nickelodeon..bad habit that I learned at Phil's. Its a really clever show, or at least I think it is. Sometimes I think it should be on Nick at Nite but that is just me. More later..of course.. RR5 |
| Sunday, November 23rd, 2008 |
| 10:20 pm |
surgery
I know it is routine and I plan on being ok when it is over I have to admit I am a bit scared about being put under. I thank all of you who have called/emailed this week and for those who think that my emotions are immature, I do not know what to say. Would you rather me be a robot like I used to be and watch all my friends run from me and it took me years to get people to trust me again? I will be offline probably for a couple of days. Call/email me and I will return everything sent to me in a day or so. Love, Britt |
| Tuesday, November 4th, 2008 |
| 4:14 pm |
voting report
2 hours this morning but I had to be there early as the highway 40 fiasco sometimes means a 90-120 minute drive home into the city and unlike in 2006 there wasn't going to be anyone who would stop me from voting. The whole world is indeed watching us. I have read many online blogs and online papers and many countries are really on our side. I think for the most part they really are waiting for us to get off our collective asses and do something. If you haven't voted, please do not think for one minute that your vote 'doesn't matter'. Do not worry about how broken the Electoral College is..we can change it in time..for now it is what it is and being apathetic is exactly what some people want you to be. It makes their vote more important..and this isn't a Dem vs. Rep thing. The ruling party (even if a Dem is in office) always would like the opposition not to show up, it makes it easier to win again. There are people who would love to be in a country where your vote really does matter, and here in the USA it does. No one pulls a gun on you and says, vote for Mr X or I will pull this trigger or kidnap your family. I could go on and on with friends that are now US citizens and they have told me endless stories about other 'free' elections that they have been in when they lived in their native countries but I will spare you for now. Please vote. This is our country and you have no right to complain if you don't. (ok you do have a right but I won't listen to you if you didn't vote or didn't even take the time to register) |
| Friday, October 10th, 2008 |
| 4:35 pm |
story part 4
I stopped answering the phone when she calls. I would like to say that I have given up. I am sure we are both tired of the excuses that we give each other. The trail of lies runs right next to the trail of sorrow that we have led each other down many times. I think of the time that I was just next to her watching her sleep and telling her that I was no good for her because I probably cared too much, or at least that is what she would tell me. One day we won't have to lie anymore and when I hold you and look at you and tell you that I love you that you will believe me. Until then I am lost and it is up to me to find my way back to your heart and when that day comes, I will be home and I will never leave you again. |
| Wednesday, September 24th, 2008 |
| 3:33 pm |
|
| 10:53 am |
|
| Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008 |
| 2:07 pm |
the next few daze
I am finally into my new digs. I am still a bit packed but I am going to get some drawers tonight/tomorrow so I will have a place for them that isn't a basket. We are finalizing the LARP for Archon and will probably have it all printed and ready to go by this weekend. Lost my PCs that had our webstuff on it but luckily I had just updated it a few weeks ago and nothing has really changed since then. We will be there. Also we will be having one of the un-official parties on Thursday night so I hope to see you all there if you can make, if not then later during the convention. We tied on Saturday so at least that isn't as bad as losing. I should be able to play this week as my foot has fully healed. I played a few minutes last game but I couldn't turn very well (not like I can anyway but my bum foot made it painful to try) so I pulled myself out of the game and became an in-game cheerleader. I am doing my best to put everything into perspective. There were other people that I lived near that lost even more than I did and I am thankful that no one died because of the flood in my area. If you don't see/hear from me for the next few days, I am ok, I am just busy trying to get the convention figured out and organizing my new place. BTW, I am single again..and I am glad..really. I am better off that way. I love all of you and thank you all for not letting me get too down on everything. Britt |
| Friday, September 19th, 2008 |
| 4:36 pm |
i am blessed
I have the best friends in the world. To all of those who have helped me this week and getting me out of the flood and into my new place I cannot thank you enough. I am still a bit in shock but I will survive and you all have helped me in not seriously going into a place that I don't ever want to go back to emotionally. I hope to see most of you at Archon or on the Gaelic Field! Britt Current Mood:  hopeful |
| Tuesday, September 16th, 2008 |
| 6:47 am |
aftermath
My apartment looked like something out of a zombie movie. I had a couple of people over from the Hurling club,my sister and my friend Phil over and that is really all I needed. The floor was really too dangerous to be on. It felt like we were going to fall through so we only went in two at a time. We got 95 percent of what I could out of there. Tomorrow I am going to go back in and quickly get my glassware and some things out of the bathroom that survived but after that the rest of the stuff will be too contaminated to want to have around. I breathed way too much mold today and I feel like crap. My sis and I were up til 5 am at the laundromat and after washing most things twice I was able to save about 95 percent of my clothes. Still have to visit the dry cleaners tomorrow but other than that I should be ok. Thank you all for calling me today. I am sorry if I seemed loopy but between the fatigue, stress and just having to smell everything I was just out of it. I will rebuild and I still have my health so everything will be fine:) Current Mood:  tired |
| Monday, September 15th, 2008 |
| 1:39 pm |
clean up
Today after 4pm I will go back into what is left of my apt and get my clothes. I will be spending quality time at the laundromat this evening:) Everything is gone except clothes and anything I kept up high in my kitchen. I should be able to save cds/dvds as even though they are on the floor they can always be thrown in a box or two. Any help that you all can give me will be very appreciated. This hurts but it isn't going to kill me. 2767 Mary Ave Brentwood MO 63144 314-574-6928 cell Also tomorrow after 9am I will go and do the fine tooth comb thingie and then everything can just stay as far as I am concerned. It is truly that bad. Britt Current Mood: shocked |
| Sunday, September 14th, 2008 |
| 8:34 pm |
flooding
I am looking at a possible loss of all my material possessions as my apartment complex flash flooded today. I cannot get into my apt until 8 am tomorrow morning per the fire marshal of Brentwood. My clothes I can always wash but I had rare books and my writings that no amount of money can replace. There was no insurance as I could not get flood insurance in my area. I am just in shock right now and if I wake up tomorrow I have no idea how I will feel. Right now I feel like throwing up. This truly sucks. RR5 Current Mood:  sick |
| Thursday, August 28th, 2008 |
| 5:31 pm |
can't I go one year...
My dear friend Pam Green passed away monday night. I do not know all the details but she was a wonderful person and even though recently I only got to see her about once a year when I did get to spend time with her I always enjoyed it. She leaves behind a daughter and a twin sister (that I know about). I am numb right now, that is all I can say. |
| Friday, August 15th, 2008 |
| 11:32 am |
just a note
I saw what you have become and it was the best revenge ever but I have one more thing to say: The dog picked me. Always remember that. It reflects on your character and nature. You can take him away like you did but I know that if I showed up today he would jump in my truck willingly and would never bat an eye if I never brought him back to you. I know that some of you don't think that animals are children and no they aren't but they still can be a good companion to you and sometimes they really do give love for no reason and it isn't always because they want to be fed. You can tell me to 'get over it' all you want but that is an easier-said-than-done task for me. If something/someone you loved was ripped away from you for no reason then you would understand. |
| Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008 |
| 10:45 am |
our taxpayer dollars at work
Here is a clue to the TSA workers. A-535 is a product like BenGay/IcyHot that is only sold in Canada (from what I can tell). When I go there I like to buy it because it is superior to either product listed above. It comes in many 'flavors' such as Ice,Dual-Action,Chinese Formula and Extra Heat. When you open a tube and you need to take a sample, do NOT squeeze it from the middle of the tube. Didn't your mommy teach you that? I understand that you are doing your job but when you pulled the bozo move of squeezing the middle of A-535-Ice you placed a good amount of it on one of my shirts that was in my luggage. Did I mention that A535-Ice has a very VERY strong menthol scent? Why do you think I bought it? It works well..so well that because you probably ruined my shirt and made my luggage attract any koala bears that may be roaming around St. Louis..ok so I am being a smart ass there..I hope that in the process that you got your whiff of it and that it burned your nose hairs off and it made you higher than a kite. Furthermore did I mention that you didn't even put the cap back on when you were done and that you wrapped the tube into the shirt that you 'tested' it with? Maybe you can blow up a plane with A-535. I highly doubt it, so for gods sake next time you or any of you coworkers open up a suitcase, please take a little more time with what you are looking for and when you find it, check thoroughly and put it back where you found it. Your mommy isn't there to help you 'protect' me. |
| Monday, July 21st, 2008 |
| 5:59 pm |
senseless
Today's violence against a firefighter and 2 police officers in Maplewood is just senseless. Words cannot describe the anger I have over this. I am sure there is an explanation but it won't be a very good one I am sure. On good news, I enjoyed Montreal but it would have been better if I would have had a certain person with me:) Yeah..its what you think it is and I haven't felt this good in years. More later. RR5 Current Mood:  anxious |
| Tuesday, June 24th, 2008 |
| 1:32 am |
part 3
'Now that we've met, is it okay that we never see each other again?' I wish I had heard that line for the first time when I watched Magnolia, instead I lived through it so long ago. The first time I saw the movie I was thinking about suing P.T. Anderson for stalking us. I took you to the bus and you said we would never be together but that was one of the many lies that we kept telling each other. Its always the first kiss that you remember. Its always the last kiss that you forget. The saddest thing is that I remember both. I always will. You wonder why I miss you so much. It is the innocence that we can never regain after the folly of youth that leads us to where we are now. We should be together but I still can't come home quite yet. |
| Thursday, June 19th, 2008 |
| 12:02 pm |
Things that make you go hmmmm
New York Times By ANDREW E. KRAMER Published: June 19, 2008 BAGHDAD — Four Western oil companies are in the final stages of negotiations this month on contracts that will return them to Iraq, 36 years after losing their oil concession to nationalization as Saddam Hussein rose to power. Exxon Mobil, Shell, Total and BP — the original partners in the Iraq Petroleum Company — along with Chevron and a number of smaller oil companies, are in talks with Iraq’s Oil Ministry for no-bid contracts to service Iraq’s largest fields, according to ministry officials, oil company officials and an American diplomat. The deals, expected to be announced on June 30, will lay the foundation for the first commercial work for the major companies in Iraq since the American invasion, and open a new and potentially lucrative country for their operations. The no-bid contracts are unusual for the industry, and the offers prevailed over others by more than 40 companies, including companies in Russia, China and India. The contracts, which would run for one to two years and are relatively small by industry standards, would nonetheless give the companies an advantage in bidding on future contracts in a country that many experts consider to be the best hope for a large-scale increase in oil production. There was suspicion among many in the Arab world and among parts of the American public that the United States had gone to war in Iraq precisely to secure the oil wealth these contracts seek to extract. The Bush administration has said that the war was necessary to combat terrorism. It is not clear what role the United States played in awarding the contracts; there are still American advisers to Iraq’s Oil Ministry. Sensitive to the appearance that they were profiting from the war and already under pressure because of record high oil prices, senior officials of two of the companies, speaking only on the condition that they not be identified, said they were helping Iraq rebuild its decrepit oil industry. For an industry being frozen out of new ventures in the world’s dominant oil-producing countries, from Russia to Venezuela, Iraq offers a rare and prized opportunity. |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
redrogue5's journal